Not-So-Normal Mom

So why don't I blog anymore? Well, that may be because I have all of the other social networking sites to keep me entertained. Maybe I'm being sucked in to the instant gratification of Twitter, Facebook, and my new addiction: Skype.

Or maybe it's because what happens that I really need to write about embarrasses me.

My oldest was busted for smoking weed. Now, as an adult, I am all about the legalization of marijuana. I think that it would solve so many problems. Do I judge people who smoke weed? Hell no. Am I mortified that my 15 y/o does it? Eff ya!!!! As I result, I took all of his privilages. I took his cell phone. He can't go anywhere, unless it's with us. He can't talk on the phone or use the computer. He's basically on house arrest. That's been going on for a while now. He's slowly getting his privileges back. On Saturday, he will get to go to a Halloween activity with a friend-but I'm going. Also, I enrolled him in drug cuonseling: three times a week, three hours a meeting, with a random drug test twice a month. The counseling lasts three months, unless he is unsuccessful. I'm doing what I can.

Does it seem like overkill? Perhaps. However, his bio-dad is evidence of what happens when casual drug use turns into something far more sinister. Am I punishing R for his bio-dad's sins? I hope not. But I do know that it is my job to make sure that he is a productive member of society and that he contributes something worthwhile to this crazy life. This is definitely a learning experience for me. I am trying not to feel incompetent. I am trying not to see a bad mom when I look in the mirror. All I can do is ask the experts and hope that I am taking the right steps to ensure that my son gets my attention.

In addition to that, I started a new job. It's not at all challenging and I really do miss my "family" at the old job. I feel so out of it. I am lonely here. I never really thought that i was the type to need a joyful work environment. I mean, work is work, right? I took this job because it pays 3-4 times what I was making at the old job. When they told me I got the job, I sat in the car and cried. I knew that it was going to change things.

Then, my husband lost his job. Now, he has the opportunity to open his own business in the same place, doing the same thing-but this time, it will be his own thing. So you might be wondering if I'm worried about it. UMMMM, YEAH!!! I know that he has what it takes to make it work, and I hope that he gets the contract. If not....DAMMMMMMMMN... I don't know. The business plan is due tomorrow, and we'll know some time around the 18th of next month. In the meantime, I'm just trucking along.

So as you may have surmised, me being at work and my husband being at home with the kids is challenging. I'm trying not to resent him. Well, maybe that's a strong word. Maybe I'm just a little jealous. I wish that I was at home with the boys. Most of the time, there is nothing better than being surrounded by my sons. They are awesome. This full-time all day, all week thing leaves something to be desired.

Whew! I really feel better after writing this all down. Maybe I'll get back to blogging after all. ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

Every once in a while, I have a moment to relax and take an inventory of my life. I ponder the delicateness of this life and the sometimes fleeting relationships that make up our lives coupled with the intense interpersonal bonds that we forge and maintain our grip on as seconds turn to years before our eyes.

I think about being seventeen and seeing my husband for the first time. I felt a pulsing ache, a need to be held by him and enveloped by the heat that I just knew we would generate. Of course, that was a relationship that ended in a ball of flame reminiscent of the fire that began the affair.

I think about the need-to-fill-a-void feeling that followed that relationship. I stumbled into the poisonous relationship with the young man who had no home and was horribly in need of someone to love him-or so I thought. Instead, he wanted someone to join him on his sinking ship.

In the middle of it all, I had two sons. Those two boys changed everything. Everything I ever wanted for myself flowed miraculously from my heart to theirs as they grew inside me. Every dream I ever dared to dream suddenly became theirs. I wanted to be so much more because of them. They were my hope for something better. I belonged to them.

I think about the years being beaten and berated, all the while shielding my sons, emotionally and physically, from a man who shared their DNA. I wonder who that girl was and why she believed what he yelled at her. I'm embarrassed by her frailty and desperation.

From there, my mind wanders to the sense of failure intermingled with exaltation and freedom as I emerged from that emotionally debilitating arrangement. I found my wings at the same time as I realized my limitations. I wanted to build a life for them, and for me, but I was a wreck, a shell.

Finding my husband, after all those years of not seeing him, was amazing. I was drawn to him, almost like there was a magnet in my core that pulled me to where he was. We are lucky to have each other. And because of this, I believe in fate, destiny.

From that love, that intense nuclear explosion of heat, came our little man. Everyone in our circle dotes on him. He is the connection to all of us-he made us a family.

Finally, I think about who I am now. All of those years of catastrophe resulted in me having built a facade that sometimes crumbles under pressure. I'm unsatisfied. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family, amazing friends, and I know that I'm lucky. However, I look in the mirror and see all of those faults: I'm fat, my hair is too frizzy, I still break out-at 35!- my legs are blotchy, I occasionally have a rogue facial hair that is embarrassing, my kids do stupid things and get bad grades, I am often tired, I'm not as smart as I want to be, I should be done with school by now, I am far too judgemental, I still want another baby, despite knowing that we can't afford it, I should volunteer at the kids' schools more often, etc.

Even after all that I've been through, all that I've worked for...failure is just around the corner, looming, mocking me-just as judgemental as I am.

Peace Out,
Mom

It seems as if most of my updates these days are done in 140 characters or less via twitter or facebook. Blame it on my short attention span or ridiculously busy schedule-whatever.

Yesterday was my 35th bday. I went to Disneyland with my mom, sister and little man. It was pretty fun! Of course, every time we go to DL, the day after, I feel like I have a hangover. My body hurts a little, I have a vague headache, and I could use a bit more sleep. But I really don't think I'll ever get tired of going.

I just love it there. It reminds me of all of the times where I let my imagination run away. When I'm there, I allow that suspension of disbelief to set in and just roll with it. I believe that pirates will fight over my head, pixies will fly by, and ghosts will sing. When I'm on Space Mountain, I close my eyes and feel the same exact way that I felt when I was in sixth grade, flying through space with stars and planets swooshing by.

So while I know that I'm old enough to be a mother to teenagers, for just a bit I feel like a kid. And it feels nice.

Peace Out,
Mom

The break has been so great for my soul...;-)

We went to Disneyland a couple of times, played some serious SingStar, and spent time together as a family. We went to the park, the book store, yogurt shop, flied kites and smacked a few wiffle balls. MO also competed in another track meet-this time against boys two grades higher- and we went to watch him come in fourth place! We also met my dad in Old Town for lunch and took my mom to bingo at the casino. I also squeezed in lunch with the girls. Oh, and let's not forget, date night with my honey at Joe's Crab Shack. ;-)

Alas, all good things must come to an end...So I am spending the day getting the Spring Cleaning done. When we're working, the house slowly degenerates and is like a dust pile with dirty clothes hiding in corners. I'm also hanging pictures and curtains that have been waiting patiently for months on the floor of my bedroom. Fun times...

But tonight, we will have our last hurrah of Spring Break...movie night to watch Bedtime Stories and color eggs for the Easter Bunny to hide. I love my family. I love recharging with them. I haven't looked at an ounce of work all week, and it feels sooo nice.

Peace Out,
Mom

1. Since the adoption, it's been back to normal. ;-) Work, school, clean the house, squeeze in family time...same-old, same-old. It's nice.

2. I just got my hair cut today. I probably get one real haircut a year, and usually, I just get a trim or something. This year, I decided to go trendy. I have bangs and flippy things happening! I just hope that I can recreate this without the hairdresser later. ;-)

3. My sister and her boyfriend got me this cool Kodak camera for Christmas. It's almost like the flip-but I've always been happy with Kodak, so that's what we got this time, too. I love it! I take videos all the time and it takes great still pics as well. Two weeks ago, the boys and I went down to the shore and strolled along looking at creatures, rocks, and shells. I took some GREAT pics and I wanted to post them on here, but for some reason, Blogger doesn't allow it. I saved them differently, but it still didn't work. I think they're over the size limit. I'm really bummed about it.

4. I got accepted to the University, so I will be going in the Fall when the little man goes to first grade. I don't know how I will squeeze it in, but I just have to. I'm nervous. I'm pretty old to be going to a university with a bunch of teenagers. ;-)

5. Thursday, I was working with one of my students and he told me that his mom is the same age as I am. Granted, she was only 16 when she had him, but DAMN!!!!

6. I love my husband. Little man was invited to a birthday party for a classmate. I am not particularly fond of the boy's mom, but little man really likes the boy. I know that it is important to attend birthday parties every once in a while, but I REALLY didn't want to go. So hubby took him while I got a haircut. What a great guy.

7. We were invited by hubby's friend/barber to go to the Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues downtown tomorrow. It's something that we can bring the whole family to and enjoy the wonderful music together. Yeah!!! I am so excited to sport my new haircut at the HOB tomorrow!

Okay, that's enough of my random updates. Have a great weekend, Bloggers!

Peace Out,
Mom

Update: You can see a few of the pics from the afternoon on the bay here: http://twitpic.com/photos/notsonormalmom

They really are pretty awesome! ;-)

I don't know exactly how to express all of the feelings that have overwhelmed me during this process, so forgive me if this is a stream of consciousness...

Over the last few years, I've had a completely irrational fear that a couple of things would happen. I was afraid that I would die and then ex would swoop in and take the boys from the only father who loved and cared for them- and that Hubby would have no legal recourse. I also feared that he would kidnap them and that the court would say it was okay because he is their bio father. Now, this is a man who has made many more babies by many more baby-mommas, so I know that these fears probably have no foundation in reality. If anything, he would only try to take them from me so as to hurt me in some way.

Even though I know that these feelings are completely crazy, there they sat, taking root: until yesterday.

We went before the judge, signed those papers, and it was like a huge wave of relief and euphoria rushed over me, releasing me from all of the feelings of fear and anxiety that I had been holding on to for all of these years.

This was how it was meant to be. He is their father. He has been their father for so many years more than ex had been. Those short years with ex produced such misery, relieved only by the love I felt for my sons. This process somehow alleviated all of the pain, hurt, and anguish that had burning a hole in my gut for so long.

I made a bad choice all of those years ago. I chose a man who would bring pain and heartache into our lives. He was someone who stomped on my self-worth and used me as his punching bag. He abandoned my sons and tossed them aside, seeking to replace them many times over with new children that he abandoned over and over, in a never-ending cycle of heartache.

Now, it is a new time in our lives and I have made the right choice. My husband loves them so very much, and I can't imagine them calling another man "dad."

During the court appearance, we cried. It's another new chapter in our lives together, and I am so lucky that we all have the opportunity to move on with our lives together.

I've said before that I know that it's just a name, just a piece of paper. We have been a family for so long. But really...damn. It just feels so good.

Peace Out,
Mom

Tomorrow is the big day. We have our adoption hearing scheduled for 2pm-yay!!!!

While we have been living as a family for many years now, and really, we've been a family for so long, tomorrow it will be "official!" The last couple of days, I've been a litle teary when I think about it. It shouldn't mean this much to me...it's just a name really. But damn...it means so much to me.

We will all have the same last name!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, us!!!!

I'll post pics of the hearing tomorrow!!!

Peace Out,
Mom

Yeah, it's not what you think. There is no way that it would snow here in sunny San Diego. However, one of the most wonderful things about living here is that within an hours drive, we can get to the beach, another country, the desert, and the snow. ;-)

Today, we drove for a little bit-passed where we go camping, and we played in the snow for a bit. We brought the dog to her first time in the snow, and she had such a fun time. The boys sledded down the hill and she chased them the whole way down! We all played for a while, sledding repeatedly, and we got soaked and freezing. So we stripped down in the car and switched into our change of clothes while the heater was cranked way up!!!

On the way home, we stopped by a roadside fruit stand to buy a couple of veggies. I also bought a jar of honey with the honey comb inside. YUM!

The boys were so good-a little bit of rough playing, but I can't really expect anything else. We had such a good family day. We don't get many of those with our busy schedules, so it's really nice to take advantage of them when we can. This four-day weekend is so awesome. ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

I am working many days in a row...And I'm on day ten. It's not so bad, but I don't think I'll be doing it again for a while. ;-)

They found a wooly mammoth downtown last week. It is considered a significant find because the tusk is still attached. My dad works for the company that is building on the property, so they're giving us the oportunity to get a look at it before they pull it out of the ground. I'm trying to get off early so that I can go get a look at it! Opportunities like this don't happen very often. ;-)

Other than that, not too much is going on. My hubby and I finally get some alone time this weekend. My parents are taking the kids Friday for an overnighter. Then, hubby and I have a wedding to go to on Valentine's Day. I can't wait.

Next week, we have our adoption hearing and my mom's throwing us a party on the Saturday after! ;-) It's about time, right??

Peace Out,
Mom

One of my former teachers, and someone who I am blessed to have as a mentor and friend, lost her husband this morning. I always find myself at a loss for words and really, at a loss of what to do. I know that nothing can take away her pain, but I always feel like I should do more.

They loved each other so much. When I talked to her this afternoon, we were talking about how lucky they were to have each other. To which she replied, "And we knew it."

I've been thinking about that ever since. Sometimes I forget to stop and think about how lucky I am to have my husband. We are a real pair and it feels so good to know that he's with me in this craziness.

I'm so sad for her loss and at the same time, I realize how painfully wonderful that kind of love is, how lasting and fleeting it can be, all at the same time.

Peace Out,
Mom

I decided to post a list that I did on Facebook...It covers some stuff...;-)

Twenty-five Random Things

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


1. I work really hard.

2. I don't make a lot of money for working really hard.

3. My kids and my husband make working this hard so freaking worth it.

4. The reason why I dress up and never wear sweats or comfy clothing is because I think I'm ugly. The paint and the polish is all to make me feel a little better about myself and hide the ugly a bit when I leave the house.

5. I have a ridiculous addiction to coffee.

6. Sometimes at the college, I feel really stupid, especially when I'm surrounded by these fantastically educated individuals.

7. I don't like when a certain someone at the college refers to my knowledge as "tribal knowledge," implying that I'm not educated.

8. I don't have any patience for stupidity.

9. My most heartfelt wish is that my mortgage would magically be paid off and I could spend more time with my family...and my husband could spend more time with us, too.

10. I wish that we had more money and more space so that I could have another baby...just one more, I swear!

11. I am secretly afraid that I will never finish my education and that I'll never be the teacher that is inside me, yearning to get out.

12. I'm not really afraid of anything conventional...spiders, heights, small spaces, etc... I'm afraid of failure.

13. I'm hoping that I can find the energy to get off of my ass and onto the treadmill or outside for a walk.

14. When I was younger, I wanted to have 12 kids and drive around in a school bus with all of them in the back.

15. In kindergarten, I pulled my parents over on "Back to School Night" to pat the afro'd head of a little black boy in my class. I told them "touch his hair, he doesn't mind." And my parents looked up into the face of his father-a 7-foot tall unhappy black man. Does that explain anything???

16. I used to be a weak girl. I wept over any little thing. Then, my spirit was broken by a mean man and it resulted in me having a hard shell. I'm okay with it because I do allow people in...and when you're in, it's all good...;-)

17. I'll never regret my first marriage. I have two awesome boys as a result of that relationship. I got the best pieces of him.

18. We are going before the judge next month so the boys will oficially be my hubby's sons. It seems like they've always been his sons, but having the name attached will be like icing.;-)

19. If I want something, I let people know. I also will go out and get it. I'm pretty determined and a bit competitive.

20. In another life, I would like to be a painter/sculptor, a cake artist, a pianist, an interior designer, an anthropologist, an architect, a lawyer, and/or a farmer.

21. I worry. I worry so much that I drink Pepto Bismol to calm my stomach. I get myself so worked up that I want to throw up and/or cry.

22. I want to write a book. I always come up with ideas, but I lack creativity and sustainability.

23. I love camping.

24. If I could be any movie character, I would be either Baby from Dirty Dancing or Jean Grey from X-Men.

25. I love my family and my friends. I wish that I had more time to spend loving them.


Consider yourself tagged!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out,
Mom

Working this many jobs can be tiring. It's not so much exhausting on my body...but my mind is sooo tired! ;-)

The first couple of weeks of school always takes some getting used to. I have to figure out when and where I'm supposed to be. It changes hour-by-hour, so my little day planner is really getting a workout.

I think I already need a vacation.

Peace Out,
Mom

My little man is in Kindergarten. He didn't go to an academic preschool; instead, he basically went to a childcare center on the college campus where I work. He only attended four half-days a week. This means that he was there from about 9am until 2pm. Our intention to have him enrolled at the center was socialization, and I needed to work mornings.

Neither of my older boys attended any preschool before kinder, and both were okay. Of course, they did attend kinder pre-"No-Child-Left-Behind" when school was different.

When I was in elementary school (many moons ago) I loved to go. I wanted to go and discover new things. I wanted to interact, learn, feel, touch, and grow...all for the sake of learning. I credit my love of learning to the education I received in elementary school. I was taught that the world is full of discoveries to be made and interesting treasures to be uncovered.

Now, all I hear about kinder is "Drill, Drill, Drill." "Test, Test, Test!" Little man can identify words. He has amazing memorization skills. When he is given new words, he learns them quickly and can identify them and spell them almost immediately. The problem-He can't identify the sounds that letters make. He is having some serious issues with phonetics. The teacher basically told me that he has to learn this before she'll pass him on to 1st grade.

I get it...he needs to learn this skill. If you could see how well he reads words that he has learned, you would understand my frustration. It really is quite impressive. I just wish that he could identify the sounds that the letters make. Now, we're drilling with flashcards. It just isn't so fun for him.

I don't want the boys to hate school. I want it to be fun. I want them to grow up being fascinated with how things work. I hope I'm not doing more harm than good.

Peace Out,
Mom

This pic is of by best friend and I at the Bridal Bazaar. This is the cool thing that she's going to do at her wedding in July. There will be a photo booth, and people will get in there and take fun pics. It comes out in doubles and one set goes into a scrap book that the guests sign next to their pic for the newly married couple. I think that is such a fun idea!

This will be my first time as the Matron of Honor. It should be a blast!

Peace Out,
Mom

We finally got the report back from the social worker. She gave her thumbs-up for the adoption to go through, so now we need to call the juvenile court in ten days. For step-parent adoptions, it's pretty straight-forward, and it should go very quickly. All we need to do is go before the judge and sign the papers together. Then, we have a big party! I'm so happy! ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

My husband and his cousins had a falling out. I don't really know what happened, but I think it had something to do with us buying our house. Let me esplain...

My hubby and his cousins were very close. They moved out here to SD together in the 80's. They lived together, helped each other out, and eventually, they watched each other get married and start families. I was in one of the cousin's weddings, and he was in ours. They were close.

Well, a few years before we were ready to buy a place, one of the cousins studied to become a real estate agent. It was a great time to get in, as the market was shooting through the roof. He did it for a few years, and then moved on to his next business venture. He does this often. He's now a truck driver, and in the past, he operated two car garages. Anyway, it is about that time that we were ready to look for a place. Cousin was very involved in the new business, although he was still licensed to act as our real estate agent. However, my son's teacher was a real estate agent and she was VERY helpful. She hooked us up with some funding, and she drove us around on the weekends to all the places in our price range.

Now, cousin knew that we were looking at places, but he just didn't have the time to help us look. So his solution was this: He wanted us to find the place with our friend, and then when we decided on a place, let him make the offer so that he would get the commission on the place, this leaving my friend high and dry. Wait...What???

Yeah, he wanted her to do all of the work and he wanted to get paid for it. My answer: Hell to the No! That would be taking credit for all of someone else's hard work. This deal would make the real estate agent at least 5 percent. We bought our house for about 400k. Do the math-that's a freakin' lot of money!!!

So, after that, we lost touch. We would call, they wouldn't answer. They stopped calling us and we didn't see them for quite some time. Then, my hubby's dad died and we saw them at the funeral. It was bittersweet. I was so happy to see them, especially their girls, but I was a little annoyed that all of that time had passed without getting all of those hard feelings out. I thought the death would bring them close again. It didn't.

Then two weeks ago, the cousins' mom died. My hubby went back for the funeral and they talked again.

Now, I am getting ready to go over to see them all for the Chargers game today. They have never discussed why they don't talk. They are trying to move on by pretending that it didn't happen. I think that's bullshit. I'm a firm believer in talking it all out and fixing it-not covering over it and pretending its not a mess.

So I get to try to make nice with the wives and commence the small talk, all while wondering whether I'm going to say something that might trigger the fight again...I just don't know what that might be.

Peace Out,
Mom

I was watching the movie Marley and Me today with my mom and I was marveling at how well Jen Aniston plays the "mommy" role. She was a natural. She was very maternal and frustrated and loving, all rolled into one (when warranted and at different times, of course). Then, it got me thinking about Steve Martin. He has played a father in some of my favorite movies-Parenthood, for example. And similar to Jen Aniston, he doesn't have children of his own. However, he plays a great dad.

So why did I start thinking about all of these actors who play parents, without kids of their own? Well, I was wondering just how much of our parenting is an act. Are we mirroring our behaviors on what we think is right because that's what we see other parents doing? How much of our parenting is learned from other's behaviors? Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not challenging anyone's genuine love of the kids, but are there times when we really don't feel up to it, yet we shake it out, like we're prepping for a role, and give it our best grammy-winning performance?

I started thinking about my own performances-like when I had a large snake dropped in my lap by my niece and nephews as the kids looked on, and I grinned and pretended that the slithering creature didn't scare me just a little bit. Or all the times that I pretend that my little scribblers are the next Rembrandts. I mean, that is an act, right?

Again, I love my kids to death, but there are those moments when I'm just not feeling the moment, but I ACT like I do.

Just some random thoughts on a Wednesday...

Peace Out,
Mom

1. Stop trying so hard to do everything

2. Find focus...I really do think that there are so many people and causes that need our help. I think that it's everyone's duty as a human on this earth to go out and lend a hand somewhere. I also think that it is something that you should feel passionately about. That being said, I hear so many voices and so many needs screaming out for help, and I am really having a hard time focusing in on a cause where I could really help. After hearing Ben Skinner talking about the slave trade, I was heartbroken and wanted to help. After reading about all of the people dying due to hunger and malnutrition, I wanted to help. I want to help kids who need a home or someone to talk to...like I said, I need to find focus.

3. Get more organized. My older boys need some help with school, and the only way that I can do that is to get organized and put us all on a schedule that we can follow.

4. Get healthy. I'm not going to drop the "I am going to lose weight" bomb, but, well, I'm not so young anymore and this body needs an overhaul...you know?? :-)

5. Have fun. This life is short. This year, in the past three months, my husband has lost an uncle(in Oct), and aunt(one week ago), and a cousin(today). His uncle left behind a very sad wife and kids. His aunt left behind a host of children and grandkids, and his cousin, after losing his mother the week before, decided that he didn't want to fight his illness anymore and stopped taking medication. (The aunt and uncle weren't married to each other-it was his mom's sis and another aunt's husband). You blink and another year passes. Since my FIL's passing and my mom's near miss, I've learned to thank God for every day that I have and not take advantage of that blessing. I also say yes a lot more than I used to. That really makes a big difference.

6. Value my job and my home. Times are TOUGH! So many people around us are losing their jobs. I am not going to complain about mine. ;-)

7. Hug. I am going to just hug everyone more. That sounds like fun, doesn't it??? ;-)

That's all for now. Happy New Year!!!! Have a great 2009!!!!

Peace Out,
Mom