Not-So-Normal Mom

I don't know exactly how to express all of the feelings that have overwhelmed me during this process, so forgive me if this is a stream of consciousness...

Over the last few years, I've had a completely irrational fear that a couple of things would happen. I was afraid that I would die and then ex would swoop in and take the boys from the only father who loved and cared for them- and that Hubby would have no legal recourse. I also feared that he would kidnap them and that the court would say it was okay because he is their bio father. Now, this is a man who has made many more babies by many more baby-mommas, so I know that these fears probably have no foundation in reality. If anything, he would only try to take them from me so as to hurt me in some way.

Even though I know that these feelings are completely crazy, there they sat, taking root: until yesterday.

We went before the judge, signed those papers, and it was like a huge wave of relief and euphoria rushed over me, releasing me from all of the feelings of fear and anxiety that I had been holding on to for all of these years.

This was how it was meant to be. He is their father. He has been their father for so many years more than ex had been. Those short years with ex produced such misery, relieved only by the love I felt for my sons. This process somehow alleviated all of the pain, hurt, and anguish that had burning a hole in my gut for so long.

I made a bad choice all of those years ago. I chose a man who would bring pain and heartache into our lives. He was someone who stomped on my self-worth and used me as his punching bag. He abandoned my sons and tossed them aside, seeking to replace them many times over with new children that he abandoned over and over, in a never-ending cycle of heartache.

Now, it is a new time in our lives and I have made the right choice. My husband loves them so very much, and I can't imagine them calling another man "dad."

During the court appearance, we cried. It's another new chapter in our lives together, and I am so lucky that we all have the opportunity to move on with our lives together.

I've said before that I know that it's just a name, just a piece of paper. We have been a family for so long. But really...damn. It just feels so good.

Peace Out,
Mom