Not-So-Normal Mom

So why don't I blog anymore? Well, that may be because I have all of the other social networking sites to keep me entertained. Maybe I'm being sucked in to the instant gratification of Twitter, Facebook, and my new addiction: Skype.

Or maybe it's because what happens that I really need to write about embarrasses me.

My oldest was busted for smoking weed. Now, as an adult, I am all about the legalization of marijuana. I think that it would solve so many problems. Do I judge people who smoke weed? Hell no. Am I mortified that my 15 y/o does it? Eff ya!!!! As I result, I took all of his privilages. I took his cell phone. He can't go anywhere, unless it's with us. He can't talk on the phone or use the computer. He's basically on house arrest. That's been going on for a while now. He's slowly getting his privileges back. On Saturday, he will get to go to a Halloween activity with a friend-but I'm going. Also, I enrolled him in drug cuonseling: three times a week, three hours a meeting, with a random drug test twice a month. The counseling lasts three months, unless he is unsuccessful. I'm doing what I can.

Does it seem like overkill? Perhaps. However, his bio-dad is evidence of what happens when casual drug use turns into something far more sinister. Am I punishing R for his bio-dad's sins? I hope not. But I do know that it is my job to make sure that he is a productive member of society and that he contributes something worthwhile to this crazy life. This is definitely a learning experience for me. I am trying not to feel incompetent. I am trying not to see a bad mom when I look in the mirror. All I can do is ask the experts and hope that I am taking the right steps to ensure that my son gets my attention.

In addition to that, I started a new job. It's not at all challenging and I really do miss my "family" at the old job. I feel so out of it. I am lonely here. I never really thought that i was the type to need a joyful work environment. I mean, work is work, right? I took this job because it pays 3-4 times what I was making at the old job. When they told me I got the job, I sat in the car and cried. I knew that it was going to change things.

Then, my husband lost his job. Now, he has the opportunity to open his own business in the same place, doing the same thing-but this time, it will be his own thing. So you might be wondering if I'm worried about it. UMMMM, YEAH!!! I know that he has what it takes to make it work, and I hope that he gets the contract. If not....DAMMMMMMMMN... I don't know. The business plan is due tomorrow, and we'll know some time around the 18th of next month. In the meantime, I'm just trucking along.

So as you may have surmised, me being at work and my husband being at home with the kids is challenging. I'm trying not to resent him. Well, maybe that's a strong word. Maybe I'm just a little jealous. I wish that I was at home with the boys. Most of the time, there is nothing better than being surrounded by my sons. They are awesome. This full-time all day, all week thing leaves something to be desired.

Whew! I really feel better after writing this all down. Maybe I'll get back to blogging after all. ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

Every once in a while, I have a moment to relax and take an inventory of my life. I ponder the delicateness of this life and the sometimes fleeting relationships that make up our lives coupled with the intense interpersonal bonds that we forge and maintain our grip on as seconds turn to years before our eyes.

I think about being seventeen and seeing my husband for the first time. I felt a pulsing ache, a need to be held by him and enveloped by the heat that I just knew we would generate. Of course, that was a relationship that ended in a ball of flame reminiscent of the fire that began the affair.

I think about the need-to-fill-a-void feeling that followed that relationship. I stumbled into the poisonous relationship with the young man who had no home and was horribly in need of someone to love him-or so I thought. Instead, he wanted someone to join him on his sinking ship.

In the middle of it all, I had two sons. Those two boys changed everything. Everything I ever wanted for myself flowed miraculously from my heart to theirs as they grew inside me. Every dream I ever dared to dream suddenly became theirs. I wanted to be so much more because of them. They were my hope for something better. I belonged to them.

I think about the years being beaten and berated, all the while shielding my sons, emotionally and physically, from a man who shared their DNA. I wonder who that girl was and why she believed what he yelled at her. I'm embarrassed by her frailty and desperation.

From there, my mind wanders to the sense of failure intermingled with exaltation and freedom as I emerged from that emotionally debilitating arrangement. I found my wings at the same time as I realized my limitations. I wanted to build a life for them, and for me, but I was a wreck, a shell.

Finding my husband, after all those years of not seeing him, was amazing. I was drawn to him, almost like there was a magnet in my core that pulled me to where he was. We are lucky to have each other. And because of this, I believe in fate, destiny.

From that love, that intense nuclear explosion of heat, came our little man. Everyone in our circle dotes on him. He is the connection to all of us-he made us a family.

Finally, I think about who I am now. All of those years of catastrophe resulted in me having built a facade that sometimes crumbles under pressure. I'm unsatisfied. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family, amazing friends, and I know that I'm lucky. However, I look in the mirror and see all of those faults: I'm fat, my hair is too frizzy, I still break out-at 35!- my legs are blotchy, I occasionally have a rogue facial hair that is embarrassing, my kids do stupid things and get bad grades, I am often tired, I'm not as smart as I want to be, I should be done with school by now, I am far too judgemental, I still want another baby, despite knowing that we can't afford it, I should volunteer at the kids' schools more often, etc.

Even after all that I've been through, all that I've worked for...failure is just around the corner, looming, mocking me-just as judgemental as I am.

Peace Out,
Mom

It seems as if most of my updates these days are done in 140 characters or less via twitter or facebook. Blame it on my short attention span or ridiculously busy schedule-whatever.

Yesterday was my 35th bday. I went to Disneyland with my mom, sister and little man. It was pretty fun! Of course, every time we go to DL, the day after, I feel like I have a hangover. My body hurts a little, I have a vague headache, and I could use a bit more sleep. But I really don't think I'll ever get tired of going.

I just love it there. It reminds me of all of the times where I let my imagination run away. When I'm there, I allow that suspension of disbelief to set in and just roll with it. I believe that pirates will fight over my head, pixies will fly by, and ghosts will sing. When I'm on Space Mountain, I close my eyes and feel the same exact way that I felt when I was in sixth grade, flying through space with stars and planets swooshing by.

So while I know that I'm old enough to be a mother to teenagers, for just a bit I feel like a kid. And it feels nice.

Peace Out,
Mom

The break has been so great for my soul...;-)

We went to Disneyland a couple of times, played some serious SingStar, and spent time together as a family. We went to the park, the book store, yogurt shop, flied kites and smacked a few wiffle balls. MO also competed in another track meet-this time against boys two grades higher- and we went to watch him come in fourth place! We also met my dad in Old Town for lunch and took my mom to bingo at the casino. I also squeezed in lunch with the girls. Oh, and let's not forget, date night with my honey at Joe's Crab Shack. ;-)

Alas, all good things must come to an end...So I am spending the day getting the Spring Cleaning done. When we're working, the house slowly degenerates and is like a dust pile with dirty clothes hiding in corners. I'm also hanging pictures and curtains that have been waiting patiently for months on the floor of my bedroom. Fun times...

But tonight, we will have our last hurrah of Spring Break...movie night to watch Bedtime Stories and color eggs for the Easter Bunny to hide. I love my family. I love recharging with them. I haven't looked at an ounce of work all week, and it feels sooo nice.

Peace Out,
Mom

1. Since the adoption, it's been back to normal. ;-) Work, school, clean the house, squeeze in family time...same-old, same-old. It's nice.

2. I just got my hair cut today. I probably get one real haircut a year, and usually, I just get a trim or something. This year, I decided to go trendy. I have bangs and flippy things happening! I just hope that I can recreate this without the hairdresser later. ;-)

3. My sister and her boyfriend got me this cool Kodak camera for Christmas. It's almost like the flip-but I've always been happy with Kodak, so that's what we got this time, too. I love it! I take videos all the time and it takes great still pics as well. Two weeks ago, the boys and I went down to the shore and strolled along looking at creatures, rocks, and shells. I took some GREAT pics and I wanted to post them on here, but for some reason, Blogger doesn't allow it. I saved them differently, but it still didn't work. I think they're over the size limit. I'm really bummed about it.

4. I got accepted to the University, so I will be going in the Fall when the little man goes to first grade. I don't know how I will squeeze it in, but I just have to. I'm nervous. I'm pretty old to be going to a university with a bunch of teenagers. ;-)

5. Thursday, I was working with one of my students and he told me that his mom is the same age as I am. Granted, she was only 16 when she had him, but DAMN!!!!

6. I love my husband. Little man was invited to a birthday party for a classmate. I am not particularly fond of the boy's mom, but little man really likes the boy. I know that it is important to attend birthday parties every once in a while, but I REALLY didn't want to go. So hubby took him while I got a haircut. What a great guy.

7. We were invited by hubby's friend/barber to go to the Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues downtown tomorrow. It's something that we can bring the whole family to and enjoy the wonderful music together. Yeah!!! I am so excited to sport my new haircut at the HOB tomorrow!

Okay, that's enough of my random updates. Have a great weekend, Bloggers!

Peace Out,
Mom

Update: You can see a few of the pics from the afternoon on the bay here: http://twitpic.com/photos/notsonormalmom

They really are pretty awesome! ;-)