Not-So-Normal Mom

I don't know exactly how to express all of the feelings that have overwhelmed me during this process, so forgive me if this is a stream of consciousness...

Over the last few years, I've had a completely irrational fear that a couple of things would happen. I was afraid that I would die and then ex would swoop in and take the boys from the only father who loved and cared for them- and that Hubby would have no legal recourse. I also feared that he would kidnap them and that the court would say it was okay because he is their bio father. Now, this is a man who has made many more babies by many more baby-mommas, so I know that these fears probably have no foundation in reality. If anything, he would only try to take them from me so as to hurt me in some way.

Even though I know that these feelings are completely crazy, there they sat, taking root: until yesterday.

We went before the judge, signed those papers, and it was like a huge wave of relief and euphoria rushed over me, releasing me from all of the feelings of fear and anxiety that I had been holding on to for all of these years.

This was how it was meant to be. He is their father. He has been their father for so many years more than ex had been. Those short years with ex produced such misery, relieved only by the love I felt for my sons. This process somehow alleviated all of the pain, hurt, and anguish that had burning a hole in my gut for so long.

I made a bad choice all of those years ago. I chose a man who would bring pain and heartache into our lives. He was someone who stomped on my self-worth and used me as his punching bag. He abandoned my sons and tossed them aside, seeking to replace them many times over with new children that he abandoned over and over, in a never-ending cycle of heartache.

Now, it is a new time in our lives and I have made the right choice. My husband loves them so very much, and I can't imagine them calling another man "dad."

During the court appearance, we cried. It's another new chapter in our lives together, and I am so lucky that we all have the opportunity to move on with our lives together.

I've said before that I know that it's just a name, just a piece of paper. We have been a family for so long. But really...damn. It just feels so good.

Peace Out,
Mom

Tomorrow is the big day. We have our adoption hearing scheduled for 2pm-yay!!!!

While we have been living as a family for many years now, and really, we've been a family for so long, tomorrow it will be "official!" The last couple of days, I've been a litle teary when I think about it. It shouldn't mean this much to me...it's just a name really. But damn...it means so much to me.

We will all have the same last name!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, us!!!!

I'll post pics of the hearing tomorrow!!!

Peace Out,
Mom

Yeah, it's not what you think. There is no way that it would snow here in sunny San Diego. However, one of the most wonderful things about living here is that within an hours drive, we can get to the beach, another country, the desert, and the snow. ;-)

Today, we drove for a little bit-passed where we go camping, and we played in the snow for a bit. We brought the dog to her first time in the snow, and she had such a fun time. The boys sledded down the hill and she chased them the whole way down! We all played for a while, sledding repeatedly, and we got soaked and freezing. So we stripped down in the car and switched into our change of clothes while the heater was cranked way up!!!

On the way home, we stopped by a roadside fruit stand to buy a couple of veggies. I also bought a jar of honey with the honey comb inside. YUM!

The boys were so good-a little bit of rough playing, but I can't really expect anything else. We had such a good family day. We don't get many of those with our busy schedules, so it's really nice to take advantage of them when we can. This four-day weekend is so awesome. ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

I am working many days in a row...And I'm on day ten. It's not so bad, but I don't think I'll be doing it again for a while. ;-)

They found a wooly mammoth downtown last week. It is considered a significant find because the tusk is still attached. My dad works for the company that is building on the property, so they're giving us the oportunity to get a look at it before they pull it out of the ground. I'm trying to get off early so that I can go get a look at it! Opportunities like this don't happen very often. ;-)

Other than that, not too much is going on. My hubby and I finally get some alone time this weekend. My parents are taking the kids Friday for an overnighter. Then, hubby and I have a wedding to go to on Valentine's Day. I can't wait.

Next week, we have our adoption hearing and my mom's throwing us a party on the Saturday after! ;-) It's about time, right??

Peace Out,
Mom

One of my former teachers, and someone who I am blessed to have as a mentor and friend, lost her husband this morning. I always find myself at a loss for words and really, at a loss of what to do. I know that nothing can take away her pain, but I always feel like I should do more.

They loved each other so much. When I talked to her this afternoon, we were talking about how lucky they were to have each other. To which she replied, "And we knew it."

I've been thinking about that ever since. Sometimes I forget to stop and think about how lucky I am to have my husband. We are a real pair and it feels so good to know that he's with me in this craziness.

I'm so sad for her loss and at the same time, I realize how painfully wonderful that kind of love is, how lasting and fleeting it can be, all at the same time.

Peace Out,
Mom