Just trying to figure it all out...
6/01/2010 09:54:00 AM 1 Comment »
For the last few weeks, I feel like I am in the middle of a transition. I don't really know what I am transitioning from or what is going to happen on the other side of this transition. I have taken a step back to really evaluate myself and to evaluate my relationships. I am trying to figure out what I am bringing to these relationships that I have.
To be honest, I think that I am a pretty good person. Do I eff up? Of course. But really, I think that I am a damn good friend and a good mom and a loving wife. Familial relationships are a bit more difficult. Am I a good sister? Probably not. A good daughter? I don't know. I know that I hold on to hurts longer than I should. I know that those hurts morph and develop into other emotions and grudges that I have a hard time letting go of. I also expect a lot of my family. I have an idea what family is supposed to do and be, and that doesn't always happen for me. I know that I have a hand in that, and I am trying to figure out what it is that I can do to make it better.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. It was the anniversary of a day of pain that I am just not ready to let out into the universe. My family knows about it. My best friend was there. So was my sister. But none of them contacted me yesterday to ask if I was okay. I haven't talked to my sister in a couple of weeks, so I shouldn't really expect her to contact me, I suppose. I'm trying to be okay with them not remembering or not caring to remember. Pretending this didn't happen doesn't mean it really didn't happen. It did. And it hurts like hell.
I am trying to find peace. I don't even know what that means to me. I am trying to figure out the meaning of peace and apply it to my life. I know a big part of that peace comes with release and forgiveness. And that is what I have a really hard time with. I think a part of me feels like I should be punished. So I hold onto that pain as a way to admonish myself for what I have done. I also really have a hard time with forgiveness. I can barely forgive myself, so how can I forgive someone else? It's especially hard when the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness...when he/she doesn't think that he/she has done anything wrong. Forgiveness. I say that word a lot...rolling it around in my mouth, trying to play with the syllables, deciphering its meaning...It feels so elusive to me, like I just can't hold onto it.
So for the last couple of weeks, I've let go of some relationships, taken a step back from others, and moved closer in some. I'm okay. It has definitely resulted in less anger, less noise. Even if I haven't figured out how to feel peace yet, it is definitely peaceful.
I have to reconnect with my family, right? Right now, I don't really want to. And that sounds mean. But maybe I can find a way to incorporate them into my life without losing myself in the process. It's not all about me. But I need to be a little selfish. I have a husband and little people who depend on me, and they don't really need me filled with suppressed (whatever) all the time. And no, it's not all their fault either. But maybe the combination is toxic. Maybe what I bring to it combined with what they bring to it just isn't working anymore. And if I'm the only one talking about it and the only one acknowledging it, there's a problem.
Seriously, all I want is peace. If someone knows where it is, let me know so I can get there.
Peace Out,
Mom
To be honest, I think that I am a pretty good person. Do I eff up? Of course. But really, I think that I am a damn good friend and a good mom and a loving wife. Familial relationships are a bit more difficult. Am I a good sister? Probably not. A good daughter? I don't know. I know that I hold on to hurts longer than I should. I know that those hurts morph and develop into other emotions and grudges that I have a hard time letting go of. I also expect a lot of my family. I have an idea what family is supposed to do and be, and that doesn't always happen for me. I know that I have a hand in that, and I am trying to figure out what it is that I can do to make it better.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. It was the anniversary of a day of pain that I am just not ready to let out into the universe. My family knows about it. My best friend was there. So was my sister. But none of them contacted me yesterday to ask if I was okay. I haven't talked to my sister in a couple of weeks, so I shouldn't really expect her to contact me, I suppose. I'm trying to be okay with them not remembering or not caring to remember. Pretending this didn't happen doesn't mean it really didn't happen. It did. And it hurts like hell.
I am trying to find peace. I don't even know what that means to me. I am trying to figure out the meaning of peace and apply it to my life. I know a big part of that peace comes with release and forgiveness. And that is what I have a really hard time with. I think a part of me feels like I should be punished. So I hold onto that pain as a way to admonish myself for what I have done. I also really have a hard time with forgiveness. I can barely forgive myself, so how can I forgive someone else? It's especially hard when the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness...when he/she doesn't think that he/she has done anything wrong. Forgiveness. I say that word a lot...rolling it around in my mouth, trying to play with the syllables, deciphering its meaning...It feels so elusive to me, like I just can't hold onto it.
So for the last couple of weeks, I've let go of some relationships, taken a step back from others, and moved closer in some. I'm okay. It has definitely resulted in less anger, less noise. Even if I haven't figured out how to feel peace yet, it is definitely peaceful.
I have to reconnect with my family, right? Right now, I don't really want to. And that sounds mean. But maybe I can find a way to incorporate them into my life without losing myself in the process. It's not all about me. But I need to be a little selfish. I have a husband and little people who depend on me, and they don't really need me filled with suppressed (whatever) all the time. And no, it's not all their fault either. But maybe the combination is toxic. Maybe what I bring to it combined with what they bring to it just isn't working anymore. And if I'm the only one talking about it and the only one acknowledging it, there's a problem.
Seriously, all I want is peace. If someone knows where it is, let me know so I can get there.
Peace Out,
Mom
1 comment/s:
well said. xo.
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