Not-So-Normal Mom

My father-in-law passed away last week. My husband's father...My sons' grandfather. He was only 67. He was just here in August, when we went fishing, I caught the jackpot fish and his fish was small enough to be my fish's snack. I wish he would have caught the bigger fish, but maybe that made him respect me a little more. I went back with my husband for the funeral last weekend. Here's the sad story...
My husband went back the weekend before because I urged him to go. I told him that I felt like we just didn't know everything. Why was he so sick so fast? Why was he all of a sudden on oxygen at home, with a nurse? They weren't telling us everything. So, he went back to spend some time with his dad and see what was going on. He called me all hours of the night..."He's really sick. I'm scared, honey." He sent an email that read, "I'm worried about my daddy." So, I got worried, too. He came home on Sunday, and told me that he and his sister were going back in two weeks. That's when they were getting the test results, and they would know more. We worried, and waited.
Wednesday morning he got a call from the other sister. "The doctor just left. His vitals have dropped and they don't expect him to live longer than another day and a half". So, he got on the next plane, and so did his sister in Atlanta, and they flew back with hopes of being there with him when he passed. When he was packing, he broke down, and said, "I'm just not ready yet." While they were both in the air, I called back to their home in New Jersey to make sure that my brother in law was picking them up at the airport. "Dad passed away an hour ago." Oh my God!!! After I hung up, I sobbed...My husband was over the US, with the hope that he would get his last good-bye. My heart broke right then, and I booked my flight for the next morning.
The next three days was a blur of funeral arrangements, picking a plot at the cemetery, and looking one last time at the man who made my husband into the man that he is today. I can't even go into the horrific sadness that came over us. I looked at my husband and his family, my family, and my heart broke for them. My husband is just heartbroken, and just looking at him makes my heart ache. He's back there this weekend taking care of financial/paperwork stuff, and I am so lonely without him.
This has changed me...Affected me in a way that I didn't see coming. I'm worried. I look at my husband, and I'm worried. What would my life be without him? What would my sons' lives be without him? I look at my dad and I see the man that taught me how men are supposed to treat the women in their lives. He taught me what a husband and father is supposed to be. He taught me how to be strong and to be intelligent, and to look with wonder at the world. My mom taught me how to be a strong woman, and to find humor in the most dreary of days. She taught me to use my imagination and to teach my kids the power of play. I want a better relationship with my sister. I want to see my boys grow into strong, good men. I'm worried. What would my life be like without them? Logically, I know that the world hasn't changed, and when it's our time, it's our time...I just can't shake this feeling. I don't want anything bad to happen.
My husband's words are echoing in my head..."Not yet"...I'm ashamed for feeling this way. The grief is my husband's. I should get over it. When he's around, I wear a brave face, and I am the supporting wife, but inside, I'm just so worried. When he's away, I just want to shout at him to come home! I know it will get easier over time, but for now, it hurts. And I'm worried.