Not-So-Normal Mom

I fell off the wagon: the weight loss wagon. And since I am so heavy, the fall made a loud noise when I hit the ground.

I need to do this. I was on a real roll before. I had lost almost 40 pounds. And then I hurt my ankle playing on the trapeze. And I lost my mojo.

Can someone please tell me where my mojo is? I ask, while I sit here, sipping coffee and eating a chocolate and peanut butter treat.

Before, I was working every day and I had a structure. Right now, the boys are out of school, I am working a few hours twice a week, and really playing a lot. The playing isn't healthy playing; it is pretty unhealthy playing. So I need to set up a structure. I need a foundation. I work well with structure.

Maybe when the boys go back to school Wednesday, I will get that structure back. I hope.

Mom

So I didn't want this blog to turn into a weight loss blog. But it seems like I really talk about this a lot lately. On March 21st, I participated in a rock climbing fundraiser for DS Action. My oldest son was celebrating his 16th birthday and decided to spend it with his friends climbing walls at this fundraiser that my friend was helping out with. It really was a great day. So I was determined to climb the wall, too! I did it...Not gracefully by any means, but I did it.


In doing so, I realized just how much weight I was lugging around, and I realized it was time to make a change. So the next day, I got on the treadmill. That was the first step. I began by walking, and eventually, I started jogging. Now, every day, I start by jogging 2 miles right when I roll out of bed in the morning. Then, about three times a week, I jog an extra 2-3 miles in the evening.

In the beginning, for the first couple of weeks, I didn't change my diet; I wrote everything that I ate down. I calculated just how many calories I was eating per day. I really didn't think that I ate too much. However, after writing it all down, I realized that I was averaging about 2100 calories a day: way too many! So I cut my calories to about 1300-1400 per day. Most of the time it isn't that big of a deal, but I do have my days. I miss night time ice cream :)

Since I began, I have lost 25 pounds. I am not satisfied with how long it is taking to come off. I feel like it should come off quicker. I hit a plateau at 15 pounds and now I've hit another at 25. It really is very frustrating. I know that it will take time, but I would like to see it coming off. I would like to see results.

So there are the up-to-date before and after pics...There will be more after pics to come. I plan on losing another 55 pounds. It's going to happen.

Now...off to jog on the treadmill for a bit :)

Peace Out,
Mom

For the last few weeks, I feel like I am in the middle of a transition. I don't really know what I am transitioning from or what is going to happen on the other side of this transition. I have taken a step back to really evaluate myself and to evaluate my relationships. I am trying to figure out what I am bringing to these relationships that I have.

To be honest, I think that I am a pretty good person. Do I eff up? Of course. But really, I think that I am a damn good friend and a good mom and a loving wife. Familial relationships are a bit more difficult. Am I a good sister? Probably not. A good daughter? I don't know. I know that I hold on to hurts longer than I should. I know that those hurts morph and develop into other emotions and grudges that I have a hard time letting go of. I also expect a lot of my family. I have an idea what family is supposed to do and be, and that doesn't always happen for me. I know that I have a hand in that, and I am trying to figure out what it is that I can do to make it better.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. It was the anniversary of a day of pain that I am just not ready to let out into the universe. My family knows about it. My best friend was there. So was my sister. But none of them contacted me yesterday to ask if I was okay. I haven't talked to my sister in a couple of weeks, so I shouldn't really expect her to contact me, I suppose. I'm trying to be okay with them not remembering or not caring to remember. Pretending this didn't happen doesn't mean it really didn't happen. It did. And it hurts like hell.

I am trying to find peace. I don't even know what that means to me. I am trying to figure out the meaning of peace and apply it to my life. I know a big part of that peace comes with release and forgiveness. And that is what I have a really hard time with. I think a part of me feels like I should be punished. So I hold onto that pain as a way to admonish myself for what I have done. I also really have a hard time with forgiveness. I can barely forgive myself, so how can I forgive someone else? It's especially hard when the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness...when he/she doesn't think that he/she has done anything wrong. Forgiveness. I say that word a lot...rolling it around in my mouth, trying to play with the syllables, deciphering its meaning...It feels so elusive to me, like I just can't hold onto it.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've let go of some relationships, taken a step back from others, and moved closer in some. I'm okay. It has definitely resulted in less anger, less noise. Even if I haven't figured out how to feel peace yet, it is definitely peaceful.

I have to reconnect with my family, right? Right now, I don't really want to. And that sounds mean. But maybe I can find a way to incorporate them into my life without losing myself in the process. It's not all about me. But I need to be a little selfish. I have a husband and little people who depend on me, and they don't really need me filled with suppressed (whatever) all the time. And no, it's not all their fault either. But maybe the combination is toxic. Maybe what I bring to it combined with what they bring to it just isn't working anymore. And if I'm the only one talking about it and the only one acknowledging it, there's a problem.

Seriously, all I want is peace. If someone knows where it is, let me know so I can get there.

Peace Out,
Mom

I'm not sure what it is about the job that I detest. Maybe it's the lack of intellectual stimulation. Don't get me wrong, there are many students there who are quite intelligent-you can carry on conversations that will get you thinking...However, many of them don't think that I'm smart enough to bother...

That may be harsh, too...I am not interested in learning about the law like they are. I thought for a minute that I was, but that may have just been because I wanted to prove to them that I could do it. However, I still believe that I can, and will, change the world some day. I think that if I became a lawyer, or went through the training, I would lose that.

It's like they forget compassion. In all of their training on civil procedure and criminal law and contracts, why don't they insert some compassion training in there? I hear the r-word on a daily basis. I hear them talking about each other, competing with one another...I want to have faith that these future lawyers, judges, politicians, and teachers have what it takes to protect my sons' futures.

It is disconcerting to say the least.

Peace Out,
Mom

After being diagnosed with Mono, Riley was lying on the couch, sleepy. I asked him:

So, do you know what they call Mono, Riley?

He said no. I responded:

They call it the kissing disease!
*While wearing a big my-son-is-not-that-kind-of-boy grin*

He said, "But I haven't kissed anyone this week!"

huh?

Peace Out,
Mom

Well. I am about to be the mother of a 16 y/o. He will be old enough to drive next month. I really don't know how time goes by so quickly.

It is so easy to recall times that I held him in my arms as an infant. It's so easy to remember sleepless nights and watching him learn to walk and hearing his first words.

And it's crazy to me that the worries get bigger. They grow into worries about school and friendships...

Then worrying about relationships with girls...Will he get a girl pregnant? Will he protect himself from diseases? Will she break his heart? Will he conduct himself with dignity?

And school...Will he get good grades? Will he be able to go to college? Can I get him to stop ditching?

I can't even fathom him driving. I'm worried about so many things already.

Being a mom is hard. :(

Peace Out,
Mom

So why don't I blog anymore? Well, that may be because I have all of the other social networking sites to keep me entertained. Maybe I'm being sucked in to the instant gratification of Twitter, Facebook, and my new addiction: Skype.

Or maybe it's because what happens that I really need to write about embarrasses me.

My oldest was busted for smoking weed. Now, as an adult, I am all about the legalization of marijuana. I think that it would solve so many problems. Do I judge people who smoke weed? Hell no. Am I mortified that my 15 y/o does it? Eff ya!!!! As I result, I took all of his privilages. I took his cell phone. He can't go anywhere, unless it's with us. He can't talk on the phone or use the computer. He's basically on house arrest. That's been going on for a while now. He's slowly getting his privileges back. On Saturday, he will get to go to a Halloween activity with a friend-but I'm going. Also, I enrolled him in drug cuonseling: three times a week, three hours a meeting, with a random drug test twice a month. The counseling lasts three months, unless he is unsuccessful. I'm doing what I can.

Does it seem like overkill? Perhaps. However, his bio-dad is evidence of what happens when casual drug use turns into something far more sinister. Am I punishing R for his bio-dad's sins? I hope not. But I do know that it is my job to make sure that he is a productive member of society and that he contributes something worthwhile to this crazy life. This is definitely a learning experience for me. I am trying not to feel incompetent. I am trying not to see a bad mom when I look in the mirror. All I can do is ask the experts and hope that I am taking the right steps to ensure that my son gets my attention.

In addition to that, I started a new job. It's not at all challenging and I really do miss my "family" at the old job. I feel so out of it. I am lonely here. I never really thought that i was the type to need a joyful work environment. I mean, work is work, right? I took this job because it pays 3-4 times what I was making at the old job. When they told me I got the job, I sat in the car and cried. I knew that it was going to change things.

Then, my husband lost his job. Now, he has the opportunity to open his own business in the same place, doing the same thing-but this time, it will be his own thing. So you might be wondering if I'm worried about it. UMMMM, YEAH!!! I know that he has what it takes to make it work, and I hope that he gets the contract. If not....DAMMMMMMMMN... I don't know. The business plan is due tomorrow, and we'll know some time around the 18th of next month. In the meantime, I'm just trucking along.

So as you may have surmised, me being at work and my husband being at home with the kids is challenging. I'm trying not to resent him. Well, maybe that's a strong word. Maybe I'm just a little jealous. I wish that I was at home with the boys. Most of the time, there is nothing better than being surrounded by my sons. They are awesome. This full-time all day, all week thing leaves something to be desired.

Whew! I really feel better after writing this all down. Maybe I'll get back to blogging after all. ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

Every once in a while, I have a moment to relax and take an inventory of my life. I ponder the delicateness of this life and the sometimes fleeting relationships that make up our lives coupled with the intense interpersonal bonds that we forge and maintain our grip on as seconds turn to years before our eyes.

I think about being seventeen and seeing my husband for the first time. I felt a pulsing ache, a need to be held by him and enveloped by the heat that I just knew we would generate. Of course, that was a relationship that ended in a ball of flame reminiscent of the fire that began the affair.

I think about the need-to-fill-a-void feeling that followed that relationship. I stumbled into the poisonous relationship with the young man who had no home and was horribly in need of someone to love him-or so I thought. Instead, he wanted someone to join him on his sinking ship.

In the middle of it all, I had two sons. Those two boys changed everything. Everything I ever wanted for myself flowed miraculously from my heart to theirs as they grew inside me. Every dream I ever dared to dream suddenly became theirs. I wanted to be so much more because of them. They were my hope for something better. I belonged to them.

I think about the years being beaten and berated, all the while shielding my sons, emotionally and physically, from a man who shared their DNA. I wonder who that girl was and why she believed what he yelled at her. I'm embarrassed by her frailty and desperation.

From there, my mind wanders to the sense of failure intermingled with exaltation and freedom as I emerged from that emotionally debilitating arrangement. I found my wings at the same time as I realized my limitations. I wanted to build a life for them, and for me, but I was a wreck, a shell.

Finding my husband, after all those years of not seeing him, was amazing. I was drawn to him, almost like there was a magnet in my core that pulled me to where he was. We are lucky to have each other. And because of this, I believe in fate, destiny.

From that love, that intense nuclear explosion of heat, came our little man. Everyone in our circle dotes on him. He is the connection to all of us-he made us a family.

Finally, I think about who I am now. All of those years of catastrophe resulted in me having built a facade that sometimes crumbles under pressure. I'm unsatisfied. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family, amazing friends, and I know that I'm lucky. However, I look in the mirror and see all of those faults: I'm fat, my hair is too frizzy, I still break out-at 35!- my legs are blotchy, I occasionally have a rogue facial hair that is embarrassing, my kids do stupid things and get bad grades, I am often tired, I'm not as smart as I want to be, I should be done with school by now, I am far too judgemental, I still want another baby, despite knowing that we can't afford it, I should volunteer at the kids' schools more often, etc.

Even after all that I've been through, all that I've worked for...failure is just around the corner, looming, mocking me-just as judgemental as I am.

Peace Out,
Mom

It seems as if most of my updates these days are done in 140 characters or less via twitter or facebook. Blame it on my short attention span or ridiculously busy schedule-whatever.

Yesterday was my 35th bday. I went to Disneyland with my mom, sister and little man. It was pretty fun! Of course, every time we go to DL, the day after, I feel like I have a hangover. My body hurts a little, I have a vague headache, and I could use a bit more sleep. But I really don't think I'll ever get tired of going.

I just love it there. It reminds me of all of the times where I let my imagination run away. When I'm there, I allow that suspension of disbelief to set in and just roll with it. I believe that pirates will fight over my head, pixies will fly by, and ghosts will sing. When I'm on Space Mountain, I close my eyes and feel the same exact way that I felt when I was in sixth grade, flying through space with stars and planets swooshing by.

So while I know that I'm old enough to be a mother to teenagers, for just a bit I feel like a kid. And it feels nice.

Peace Out,
Mom

The break has been so great for my soul...;-)

We went to Disneyland a couple of times, played some serious SingStar, and spent time together as a family. We went to the park, the book store, yogurt shop, flied kites and smacked a few wiffle balls. MO also competed in another track meet-this time against boys two grades higher- and we went to watch him come in fourth place! We also met my dad in Old Town for lunch and took my mom to bingo at the casino. I also squeezed in lunch with the girls. Oh, and let's not forget, date night with my honey at Joe's Crab Shack. ;-)

Alas, all good things must come to an end...So I am spending the day getting the Spring Cleaning done. When we're working, the house slowly degenerates and is like a dust pile with dirty clothes hiding in corners. I'm also hanging pictures and curtains that have been waiting patiently for months on the floor of my bedroom. Fun times...

But tonight, we will have our last hurrah of Spring Break...movie night to watch Bedtime Stories and color eggs for the Easter Bunny to hide. I love my family. I love recharging with them. I haven't looked at an ounce of work all week, and it feels sooo nice.

Peace Out,
Mom

1. Since the adoption, it's been back to normal. ;-) Work, school, clean the house, squeeze in family time...same-old, same-old. It's nice.

2. I just got my hair cut today. I probably get one real haircut a year, and usually, I just get a trim or something. This year, I decided to go trendy. I have bangs and flippy things happening! I just hope that I can recreate this without the hairdresser later. ;-)

3. My sister and her boyfriend got me this cool Kodak camera for Christmas. It's almost like the flip-but I've always been happy with Kodak, so that's what we got this time, too. I love it! I take videos all the time and it takes great still pics as well. Two weeks ago, the boys and I went down to the shore and strolled along looking at creatures, rocks, and shells. I took some GREAT pics and I wanted to post them on here, but for some reason, Blogger doesn't allow it. I saved them differently, but it still didn't work. I think they're over the size limit. I'm really bummed about it.

4. I got accepted to the University, so I will be going in the Fall when the little man goes to first grade. I don't know how I will squeeze it in, but I just have to. I'm nervous. I'm pretty old to be going to a university with a bunch of teenagers. ;-)

5. Thursday, I was working with one of my students and he told me that his mom is the same age as I am. Granted, she was only 16 when she had him, but DAMN!!!!

6. I love my husband. Little man was invited to a birthday party for a classmate. I am not particularly fond of the boy's mom, but little man really likes the boy. I know that it is important to attend birthday parties every once in a while, but I REALLY didn't want to go. So hubby took him while I got a haircut. What a great guy.

7. We were invited by hubby's friend/barber to go to the Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues downtown tomorrow. It's something that we can bring the whole family to and enjoy the wonderful music together. Yeah!!! I am so excited to sport my new haircut at the HOB tomorrow!

Okay, that's enough of my random updates. Have a great weekend, Bloggers!

Peace Out,
Mom

Update: You can see a few of the pics from the afternoon on the bay here: http://twitpic.com/photos/notsonormalmom

They really are pretty awesome! ;-)

I don't know exactly how to express all of the feelings that have overwhelmed me during this process, so forgive me if this is a stream of consciousness...

Over the last few years, I've had a completely irrational fear that a couple of things would happen. I was afraid that I would die and then ex would swoop in and take the boys from the only father who loved and cared for them- and that Hubby would have no legal recourse. I also feared that he would kidnap them and that the court would say it was okay because he is their bio father. Now, this is a man who has made many more babies by many more baby-mommas, so I know that these fears probably have no foundation in reality. If anything, he would only try to take them from me so as to hurt me in some way.

Even though I know that these feelings are completely crazy, there they sat, taking root: until yesterday.

We went before the judge, signed those papers, and it was like a huge wave of relief and euphoria rushed over me, releasing me from all of the feelings of fear and anxiety that I had been holding on to for all of these years.

This was how it was meant to be. He is their father. He has been their father for so many years more than ex had been. Those short years with ex produced such misery, relieved only by the love I felt for my sons. This process somehow alleviated all of the pain, hurt, and anguish that had burning a hole in my gut for so long.

I made a bad choice all of those years ago. I chose a man who would bring pain and heartache into our lives. He was someone who stomped on my self-worth and used me as his punching bag. He abandoned my sons and tossed them aside, seeking to replace them many times over with new children that he abandoned over and over, in a never-ending cycle of heartache.

Now, it is a new time in our lives and I have made the right choice. My husband loves them so very much, and I can't imagine them calling another man "dad."

During the court appearance, we cried. It's another new chapter in our lives together, and I am so lucky that we all have the opportunity to move on with our lives together.

I've said before that I know that it's just a name, just a piece of paper. We have been a family for so long. But really...damn. It just feels so good.

Peace Out,
Mom

Tomorrow is the big day. We have our adoption hearing scheduled for 2pm-yay!!!!

While we have been living as a family for many years now, and really, we've been a family for so long, tomorrow it will be "official!" The last couple of days, I've been a litle teary when I think about it. It shouldn't mean this much to me...it's just a name really. But damn...it means so much to me.

We will all have the same last name!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, us!!!!

I'll post pics of the hearing tomorrow!!!

Peace Out,
Mom

Yeah, it's not what you think. There is no way that it would snow here in sunny San Diego. However, one of the most wonderful things about living here is that within an hours drive, we can get to the beach, another country, the desert, and the snow. ;-)

Today, we drove for a little bit-passed where we go camping, and we played in the snow for a bit. We brought the dog to her first time in the snow, and she had such a fun time. The boys sledded down the hill and she chased them the whole way down! We all played for a while, sledding repeatedly, and we got soaked and freezing. So we stripped down in the car and switched into our change of clothes while the heater was cranked way up!!!

On the way home, we stopped by a roadside fruit stand to buy a couple of veggies. I also bought a jar of honey with the honey comb inside. YUM!

The boys were so good-a little bit of rough playing, but I can't really expect anything else. We had such a good family day. We don't get many of those with our busy schedules, so it's really nice to take advantage of them when we can. This four-day weekend is so awesome. ;-)

Peace Out,
Mom

I am working many days in a row...And I'm on day ten. It's not so bad, but I don't think I'll be doing it again for a while. ;-)

They found a wooly mammoth downtown last week. It is considered a significant find because the tusk is still attached. My dad works for the company that is building on the property, so they're giving us the oportunity to get a look at it before they pull it out of the ground. I'm trying to get off early so that I can go get a look at it! Opportunities like this don't happen very often. ;-)

Other than that, not too much is going on. My hubby and I finally get some alone time this weekend. My parents are taking the kids Friday for an overnighter. Then, hubby and I have a wedding to go to on Valentine's Day. I can't wait.

Next week, we have our adoption hearing and my mom's throwing us a party on the Saturday after! ;-) It's about time, right??

Peace Out,
Mom

One of my former teachers, and someone who I am blessed to have as a mentor and friend, lost her husband this morning. I always find myself at a loss for words and really, at a loss of what to do. I know that nothing can take away her pain, but I always feel like I should do more.

They loved each other so much. When I talked to her this afternoon, we were talking about how lucky they were to have each other. To which she replied, "And we knew it."

I've been thinking about that ever since. Sometimes I forget to stop and think about how lucky I am to have my husband. We are a real pair and it feels so good to know that he's with me in this craziness.

I'm so sad for her loss and at the same time, I realize how painfully wonderful that kind of love is, how lasting and fleeting it can be, all at the same time.

Peace Out,
Mom

I decided to post a list that I did on Facebook...It covers some stuff...;-)

Twenty-five Random Things

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


1. I work really hard.

2. I don't make a lot of money for working really hard.

3. My kids and my husband make working this hard so freaking worth it.

4. The reason why I dress up and never wear sweats or comfy clothing is because I think I'm ugly. The paint and the polish is all to make me feel a little better about myself and hide the ugly a bit when I leave the house.

5. I have a ridiculous addiction to coffee.

6. Sometimes at the college, I feel really stupid, especially when I'm surrounded by these fantastically educated individuals.

7. I don't like when a certain someone at the college refers to my knowledge as "tribal knowledge," implying that I'm not educated.

8. I don't have any patience for stupidity.

9. My most heartfelt wish is that my mortgage would magically be paid off and I could spend more time with my family...and my husband could spend more time with us, too.

10. I wish that we had more money and more space so that I could have another baby...just one more, I swear!

11. I am secretly afraid that I will never finish my education and that I'll never be the teacher that is inside me, yearning to get out.

12. I'm not really afraid of anything conventional...spiders, heights, small spaces, etc... I'm afraid of failure.

13. I'm hoping that I can find the energy to get off of my ass and onto the treadmill or outside for a walk.

14. When I was younger, I wanted to have 12 kids and drive around in a school bus with all of them in the back.

15. In kindergarten, I pulled my parents over on "Back to School Night" to pat the afro'd head of a little black boy in my class. I told them "touch his hair, he doesn't mind." And my parents looked up into the face of his father-a 7-foot tall unhappy black man. Does that explain anything???

16. I used to be a weak girl. I wept over any little thing. Then, my spirit was broken by a mean man and it resulted in me having a hard shell. I'm okay with it because I do allow people in...and when you're in, it's all good...;-)

17. I'll never regret my first marriage. I have two awesome boys as a result of that relationship. I got the best pieces of him.

18. We are going before the judge next month so the boys will oficially be my hubby's sons. It seems like they've always been his sons, but having the name attached will be like icing.;-)

19. If I want something, I let people know. I also will go out and get it. I'm pretty determined and a bit competitive.

20. In another life, I would like to be a painter/sculptor, a cake artist, a pianist, an interior designer, an anthropologist, an architect, a lawyer, and/or a farmer.

21. I worry. I worry so much that I drink Pepto Bismol to calm my stomach. I get myself so worked up that I want to throw up and/or cry.

22. I want to write a book. I always come up with ideas, but I lack creativity and sustainability.

23. I love camping.

24. If I could be any movie character, I would be either Baby from Dirty Dancing or Jean Grey from X-Men.

25. I love my family and my friends. I wish that I had more time to spend loving them.


Consider yourself tagged!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace Out,
Mom