Not-So-Normal Mom

I fell off the wagon: the weight loss wagon. And since I am so heavy, the fall made a loud noise when I hit the ground.

I need to do this. I was on a real roll before. I had lost almost 40 pounds. And then I hurt my ankle playing on the trapeze. And I lost my mojo.

Can someone please tell me where my mojo is? I ask, while I sit here, sipping coffee and eating a chocolate and peanut butter treat.

Before, I was working every day and I had a structure. Right now, the boys are out of school, I am working a few hours twice a week, and really playing a lot. The playing isn't healthy playing; it is pretty unhealthy playing. So I need to set up a structure. I need a foundation. I work well with structure.

Maybe when the boys go back to school Wednesday, I will get that structure back. I hope.

Mom

So I didn't want this blog to turn into a weight loss blog. But it seems like I really talk about this a lot lately. On March 21st, I participated in a rock climbing fundraiser for DS Action. My oldest son was celebrating his 16th birthday and decided to spend it with his friends climbing walls at this fundraiser that my friend was helping out with. It really was a great day. So I was determined to climb the wall, too! I did it...Not gracefully by any means, but I did it.


In doing so, I realized just how much weight I was lugging around, and I realized it was time to make a change. So the next day, I got on the treadmill. That was the first step. I began by walking, and eventually, I started jogging. Now, every day, I start by jogging 2 miles right when I roll out of bed in the morning. Then, about three times a week, I jog an extra 2-3 miles in the evening.

In the beginning, for the first couple of weeks, I didn't change my diet; I wrote everything that I ate down. I calculated just how many calories I was eating per day. I really didn't think that I ate too much. However, after writing it all down, I realized that I was averaging about 2100 calories a day: way too many! So I cut my calories to about 1300-1400 per day. Most of the time it isn't that big of a deal, but I do have my days. I miss night time ice cream :)

Since I began, I have lost 25 pounds. I am not satisfied with how long it is taking to come off. I feel like it should come off quicker. I hit a plateau at 15 pounds and now I've hit another at 25. It really is very frustrating. I know that it will take time, but I would like to see it coming off. I would like to see results.

So there are the up-to-date before and after pics...There will be more after pics to come. I plan on losing another 55 pounds. It's going to happen.

Now...off to jog on the treadmill for a bit :)

Peace Out,
Mom

For the last few weeks, I feel like I am in the middle of a transition. I don't really know what I am transitioning from or what is going to happen on the other side of this transition. I have taken a step back to really evaluate myself and to evaluate my relationships. I am trying to figure out what I am bringing to these relationships that I have.

To be honest, I think that I am a pretty good person. Do I eff up? Of course. But really, I think that I am a damn good friend and a good mom and a loving wife. Familial relationships are a bit more difficult. Am I a good sister? Probably not. A good daughter? I don't know. I know that I hold on to hurts longer than I should. I know that those hurts morph and develop into other emotions and grudges that I have a hard time letting go of. I also expect a lot of my family. I have an idea what family is supposed to do and be, and that doesn't always happen for me. I know that I have a hand in that, and I am trying to figure out what it is that I can do to make it better.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. It was the anniversary of a day of pain that I am just not ready to let out into the universe. My family knows about it. My best friend was there. So was my sister. But none of them contacted me yesterday to ask if I was okay. I haven't talked to my sister in a couple of weeks, so I shouldn't really expect her to contact me, I suppose. I'm trying to be okay with them not remembering or not caring to remember. Pretending this didn't happen doesn't mean it really didn't happen. It did. And it hurts like hell.

I am trying to find peace. I don't even know what that means to me. I am trying to figure out the meaning of peace and apply it to my life. I know a big part of that peace comes with release and forgiveness. And that is what I have a really hard time with. I think a part of me feels like I should be punished. So I hold onto that pain as a way to admonish myself for what I have done. I also really have a hard time with forgiveness. I can barely forgive myself, so how can I forgive someone else? It's especially hard when the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness...when he/she doesn't think that he/she has done anything wrong. Forgiveness. I say that word a lot...rolling it around in my mouth, trying to play with the syllables, deciphering its meaning...It feels so elusive to me, like I just can't hold onto it.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've let go of some relationships, taken a step back from others, and moved closer in some. I'm okay. It has definitely resulted in less anger, less noise. Even if I haven't figured out how to feel peace yet, it is definitely peaceful.

I have to reconnect with my family, right? Right now, I don't really want to. And that sounds mean. But maybe I can find a way to incorporate them into my life without losing myself in the process. It's not all about me. But I need to be a little selfish. I have a husband and little people who depend on me, and they don't really need me filled with suppressed (whatever) all the time. And no, it's not all their fault either. But maybe the combination is toxic. Maybe what I bring to it combined with what they bring to it just isn't working anymore. And if I'm the only one talking about it and the only one acknowledging it, there's a problem.

Seriously, all I want is peace. If someone knows where it is, let me know so I can get there.

Peace Out,
Mom

I'm not sure what it is about the job that I detest. Maybe it's the lack of intellectual stimulation. Don't get me wrong, there are many students there who are quite intelligent-you can carry on conversations that will get you thinking...However, many of them don't think that I'm smart enough to bother...

That may be harsh, too...I am not interested in learning about the law like they are. I thought for a minute that I was, but that may have just been because I wanted to prove to them that I could do it. However, I still believe that I can, and will, change the world some day. I think that if I became a lawyer, or went through the training, I would lose that.

It's like they forget compassion. In all of their training on civil procedure and criminal law and contracts, why don't they insert some compassion training in there? I hear the r-word on a daily basis. I hear them talking about each other, competing with one another...I want to have faith that these future lawyers, judges, politicians, and teachers have what it takes to protect my sons' futures.

It is disconcerting to say the least.

Peace Out,
Mom

After being diagnosed with Mono, Riley was lying on the couch, sleepy. I asked him:

So, do you know what they call Mono, Riley?

He said no. I responded:

They call it the kissing disease!
*While wearing a big my-son-is-not-that-kind-of-boy grin*

He said, "But I haven't kissed anyone this week!"

huh?

Peace Out,
Mom

Well. I am about to be the mother of a 16 y/o. He will be old enough to drive next month. I really don't know how time goes by so quickly.

It is so easy to recall times that I held him in my arms as an infant. It's so easy to remember sleepless nights and watching him learn to walk and hearing his first words.

And it's crazy to me that the worries get bigger. They grow into worries about school and friendships...

Then worrying about relationships with girls...Will he get a girl pregnant? Will he protect himself from diseases? Will she break his heart? Will he conduct himself with dignity?

And school...Will he get good grades? Will he be able to go to college? Can I get him to stop ditching?

I can't even fathom him driving. I'm worried about so many things already.

Being a mom is hard. :(

Peace Out,
Mom